Bonus Friday 5 - 5 Worst Movies I've Seen

I saw a list on aol of the 50 worst movies, most of which I haven't seen.  It seems as though any list of worst movies would tend toward more recent movies, if only because no one remembers the real stinkers they've seen long ago - a bad movie from the 50s has to be really bad to make a list in 2008 simply because it's unlikely to have been viewed recently (who shows bad movies at art house runs?) and to have been remembered for a number of years, it has to have been really really bad (i.e, Plan 9 from Outer Space).

I've made a list of, at least this morning, what I think are the worst movies I've ever seen.  I've limited the selection to movies that I've actually seen and actually seen all the way through (one of the perils of preferring to sit in the middle of the middle row at the movie theater - it's not easy to leave).  

5. Biodome - this Pauly Shore vehicle was pretty much a one joke movie actually, if it had had one joke that would have been a major improvement.  It's probably better viewed as a cry for help from Paulie Shore.  Rather than waste two hours on this crapfest, you'll laugh more if you buy a German fratboy a couple beers and ask to hear the latest coprophilia jokes from Berlin.

4. Waterworld/The Postman - I know it's not fair to combine two movies, but these Kevin Costner messes really scream out to be viewed together.  Er..... or more properly to be avoided together.  One takes place entirely at sea, the other takes place in what looks like the worst parts of rainy rural Oregon.  In both cases the movies feature stunning (and I mean that in the pole-axed sort of way) examples of Costner's thespian chops.  Worse, Costner had a hand in the the production of both movies, ensuring plot lines that cannot be followed, no continuity and awful awful dialog.  All wrapped up in two 3 hour movies.  If Costner really wants to fuck the movie audience, at some point he'll complete the trilogy.

3. Tremors - your basic monster movie about something that's way too big to be munching on what it's supposed to eat and turns to...... you guessed it...... human flesh.  A 1990 movie with Kevin Bacon (at what is undoubtedly the low point of his career), Fred Ward and Reba McEntire as potential snacks for earthworms run amuck.  Let's pray Bacon's career stays interesting enough that he doesn't decide to make a sequel.

2. Plan 9 From Outer Space - The making of this movie was covered brilliantly in the Johnny Depp movie Ed Wood a few years ago.  Plan 9 is worth seeing simply because it's so bad.  No plot, special effects that a 4 year old wouldn't believe (flying saucer done using a spinning upside down tin pie plate hanging from very visible fishing line), the actor playing a major character dying partway through the story - this movie just about has it all.  It's so bad it's camp - and was even in the 1960s - less than 10 years after it was made.  Things usually don't become camp for a couple of decades - witness the popularity of the Ashton Kutcher tv show about the 80s - who'd have thought in 1995 that disco would be so out it's cool?

1. Gigli - Gotta go with this Jennifer Lopez/Ben Affleck mess as the worst I've ever sat through.  Affleck does his usual acting job in this performance, which is to say he's God-awful terrible.  He's basically playing himself, which is not entertaining, and he can't even do a convincing job of that.  Affleck is without a doubt the worst actor of his generation (limiting the selection to only actors who've starred in one or more movies) and this is the inverted pinnacle of his craft.  Lopez ain't much better, but everyone knew up front she was going to be a bad actress - narcissistic and dumb as a stump don't really lend themselves to being good at acting (Jessica Simpson has clearly picked up the torch from Lopez on that front, at least lately).  If the script did have a plot, no one told the director, Affleck or Lopez what it was.  The reason I picked this one for number 1 is that it's the only movie I can recall that I really really wanted to leave after about 20 minutes - other movies I usually think, "Eh...2 hours, I've wasted 2 hours on dumber stuff that this."  Not so with Gigli - it's nearly coyote bad - you'll chew off a leg to get away.  If Affleck and Lopez want to prove their disdain for American movie audiences, they'll make a sequel.